Just beware!!

Due to society being soft I decided to bring my disclosure to the top of the rant, instead of hiding it down the bottom. The following rant is my opinion and my opinion alone. If you share the same opinion, let me know, let’s have a coffee and rant about it even more. If you disagree with my opinion, that’s fine too, the world will keep on spinning. If my opinion offends you, makes you cry, makes you want to call your mother… I ain’t going to apologise for an opinion… So maybe eat some concrete???

I should also note that the following rant includes swear words (no surprise there really) and words associated with sex!!! There isn’t any need to gasp in shock horror… we all know by now that I don’t have a filter.

 

So enjoy!

 

 

Can we chat about instant fucking love in books?

I don’t know about y’all but more and more books have that instant kind of love that forms quicker than any love in a Danielle Steele book. Is it necessary? Is it setting up the younger generations for unrealistic expectations? Or most importantly is it ruining a good book?

 

But what is instant love in books? I hear you ask over the warm coffee you cradle in your hands, well darling, let me tell you.

Think about when you’re hungry as all hell and you order yourself a glorious pizza with extra cheese. The moment the doorbell goes off, you get that cardboard box in his hands and you open the lid. There, before you, in your glorious hands, is the love of your life, that delicious, mouth-watering pizza.  That’s instant love. But it’s with food, not with a random you just met….

 

I don’t get this. At what point in life does someone look at another person, hang out with them one or two times and then profess their undying love for one another after dating for three fucking minutes. Really? I mean honest to the pits of hell, the only insta love should be food or animal related, no wanting to jump the bones of a random man. What if he has the world’s smallest dick? What if he doesn’t even wash his balls? You gotta try before you buy honeyyyyy.

How can it be instant love? They could snore like a train racing outta hell? They could legit have hobbit feet (and not in the cute Elijah Wood way)? They could pick their damn nose in public and eat their damn boogers!! How can you fall instantly in love with a random with you don’t even know about the snotty snacks that they enjoy in their down time?

But what I love most about this insta love is that it’s specific to females. Now I do keep in mind that most of the books with this insta love are written with a female POV but this weird love is the female falling head over heels while the male kinda stands there and shrugs with nothing better to do, so he might as well go along for the ride.

First of writers, back the fuck off. Do you honestly think that females live life waiting to fling themselves at their ‘true love?’ Sorry to disappoint but that ain’t the way we think. Most of the time we go on dates with guys, we have back up plans with our girlfriends, ‘emergency’ calls or texts, a ‘get me the fuck outta here’ code word and an oldie but goldie ‘mate, I got the shits, I gotta go’.

 

There is a wide area of time in-between meeting a guy and ‘love’

 

First date thoughts:

–          Well this guy is kind of creepy in a weird interesting way… Should I run?

–          Maybe I should leg it?

–          Did he just snort while he laughed?

–          He doesn’t like dogs – WTF is wrong with this dudeeee, who doesn’t like dogs???

–          Hmm he didn’t look at a single female other than me….. Maybe another date?

Second date thoughts:

–          Does that shirt have pizzas on it? Okay that’s kinda cool

–          He doesn’t read books… hmmm well see about that!!

–          Did he just fart?

–          Ohh this restaurant is nice

–          Wow, great choice of beer

–          He has been on the toilet for a long time

–          Well at least he likes Star Wars

Third date thoughts:

–          Damn he ate a whole pizza like there was no tomorrow – legend!

–          He does have a nice smile

–          I can’t tell if that laugh is cute or annoying???

–          He has seen the Harry Potter movies

–          He does smell nice though…

 

Get where this is going? At no point is a female sitting there going ‘damnnnn boy, I’ll sit on the face of a stranger I’ve just met and wiggle till that damn boy finds gold.’ Unless of course he’s Tom Hardy or a book geek. Both of those are rare ladies – don’t let them go. But at the same time don’t kidnap people, it isn’t the right thing to do regardless of how hot Tom Hardy is or how much they read.

 

See where I’m going with this though? There is no instant love. There might be a ‘well it’s been a while, this engine could use a service’ kind of thing but at no point are we standing there, gushing like Niagara Falls over a dude we just met. At least acknowledge that females have a brain

 

The whole time I’m sitting there reading this insta love, honest to Satan’s salty bath water I think the guy characters have the following thoughts:

–          Why is this chick following me the fuck around

–          Is she batting her eyelashes at me? Is there something in her eye? Does this psycho need assistance?

–          Mate – we are sleeping next to a fire, why the fuck are you getting so close to me? Oh you’re naked… Well that changes things. I just have to remember what the hell your name is…. Was it Heather?

–          Even though I met you yesterday, it’s been a while so I wouldn’t mind getting my dick wet.

–          “Oh this is good Joan.” “Umm my name is Jade” *crickets chirp*  “That’s what I said…”

 

Has there ever been an instant love story with a guy? And why isn’t there? Surely if fictional female characters don’t have that much of a brain and think with their vagina’s that guys do the same thing?

Most books have a love interest in them, which is fine, but can we at least build up their relationship instead of have the female bulldoze the guy to the ground and ride him deep into the sunset, waving her cowboy hat in their screaming ‘LOVE’ at the top of her voice???

 

Let’s get something straight, boys have boy germs so why the hell would we instantly want to get all jiggy with it straight away? Remember don’t be silly – wrap that willy!

 

Is society that desperate for that instant love that authors feel obliged to write it into their story (and ruin it)?

Can’t we as readers just enjoy the built up tension of a new relationship in books?

 

Let’s narrow down a few popular book relationships that included a slow build up.

Rhysand & Feyre

Inej & Kaz

Nina & Mattthias

 

These characters didn’t fornicate in the middle of the street at the start of the book, over time we read about their interest and love for each other and watched it grow. And this ladies, gentleman and bird watchers, is the kind of relationships that add value to a story, not the kind of insta trash that you would expect a drunk teenager do on a night out.

 

Over all, us females ain’t the scarecrow from Oz – we do have a brain after all and we are not that desperate.