Sliding into my DM’s…
Before your mind turns to the gutter, this isn’t a conversation about sliding into my DM’s to get jiggy with it. Because
- A) you have no fucking chance in the world and
- B) if anyone ever indicated that in my general direction, not only will I name and shame you for being crude, rude and an idiot but also I will pull a Mushu and bring shame on you, your home and your cow.
This little rant is about sliding into DM’s and bringing an uncomfortable needy vide with you. I’m not sympathetic, in fact I’m a complete asshole, so the desperate plea of neediness is lost on me. However sometimes the neediness sucks in kind hearted people. And because I have had a few coffees today, I won’t be a just complete bitch but also helpful, I’ll include the correct way to slide into a DM and leave your desperation at the door like a shameful pair of crocs. No seriously, don’t bring crocs into my house.
Before I waggle my tongue too much, I should actual break this bitch back down to basics…
What is a needy and desperate message you may ask? Well any of the following:
‘Hi. I love your photos. Can you send me books because I am to poor to buy’
‘Can you be my book friend?’
‘…can you buy my books? I am a struggling author…’
‘Hi , can you be my bookstagram friend I love reading N writing’
‘you can follow me…. I post book photo’
Without a word of a lie, the above messages are in my ‘requested’ inbox on Insta. These are the type of messages I ignore. And the inner demon bitch inside me says: Who gives a fuck?
Before you sit there with your mouth agape with horror at my previous sentence, keep reading before you are quick to judge.
There is so much going on in the world that I care about and there are some people that I care for. And I care for all the animals, because yo they are cute and need love and hugs and protection from humans. Except for spiders, because those things are scary as fuck and legit crawled from the pits of hell. But do I care about a stranger’s desperation of Instagram followers? Fuck no. You have never spoken to me in your whole existence and you want me to take pity on you for your lack of Instagram likes?? Flying chicken flavoured potato chips, FUCK NO.
See the difference here? World crisis vs Instagram followers/likes/freebies? If world crisis and Instagram popularity are sitting at the same level of importance on your priority scale, please offer your time to an animal shelter, feeding the homeless and watching the new Ted Bundy flick on Netflix.
If you are that desperate for the Instagram love then you might need to focus your energy on something more important, like Earth and the fact we only have one Earth and one home, and we are fucking destroying it.
Oh no Blue these people are just lonely and want a friend……
Okay they might be, but are they going about it the right way? Nope. Don’t get me wrong, I am not that crazy blue haired bitch that throws eggs and dead fish at anyone that walks by my house while I sit on the balcony in my rocking chair, puffing on a pipe like Frodo bloody Baggins.
Come on guys, I do have somewhat of a soul. I throw shoes at them instead. Shoes with heels.
Here is a simple guideline for those that need to know the difference between being needy and being friendly. Cause there is a line people and some dodo heads cross it all the time. Maybe when you message a random for the first time maybe keep in mind, that they have their own life and their own things going on and the world ain’t all about you sweetie. Seriously, buy a cupcake and pull your head out of your ass. The world just ain’t only about you.
Below are the messages, exactly how I receive them, spelling mistakes and all, without any previous conversations beforehand. To be somewhat helpful I’ll break these down:
‘Hi. I love your photos. Can you send me books because I am to poor to buy’
Naww thanks for liking my photos, I actually appreciate the compliment before you followed it with a book request. Now that compliment means about as much to me as bird shit on my car window after I just washed the car. I actually don’t know how many times I can say this before people start listening to me. You ain’t the government. You ain’t getting my hard earned money. If I spend money on books then I am going to keep them. Not give them to you. You want books, buy them or borrow them from the library. Do NOT ever expect people to give you books for free, especially if you don’t even know them.
Basically this message should have been left with the compliment and then from there a nice conversation would have started. Instead you wanted something for free. You only get one thing for free in like and that’s oxygen. And enjoy it while you can before the government figures out a way to tax us for breathing.
‘Can you be my book friend?’
How about no? I have book friends. And they are the cutest, like a basket full of baby red pandas waiting to be cuddled. I have this moto that friendship isn’t free, it is earned. You want to be my friend on bookstagram, start a conversation with me, talk to me about anything. Don’t ask me, because the answer you get ain’t gonna brighten your day love. My book friends and I didn’t become friends by request, we started a conversation and our friendship grew from there. If you are not willing to put some effort into a friendship by starting a conversation then don’t bother messaging anyone and begging for a friend. Blood, sweat and tears going into friendships. Just ask my book friends, I send them blood, sweat and tears in a little box weekly just in case they change their minds about summon satan with me… but that story is for another blog post.
‘…can you buy my books? I am a struggling author…’
Dude, I struggle to walk in a straight line and you want me to buy your book???? Get a tim tam butt head and I’ll tell you how this isn’t okay. As an author I understand that it is hard to get your book on the market and into people’s hands, and asking people to buy your book isn’t going to help. Actually it makes it worse. If you ask me to buy your book, I screenshot that conversations and send them to my friends with WTF. If you want me to read your book, ask if I can review it. I would be more than happy to. And for those sitting at home, I’m not out for free books. If I like the PDF you send me, I will buy your book. Honestly I do. I have snuck money in an author’s handbag for a book while she wasn’t looking, because I believe in indie authors and I will support them. But asking me to put my money on a book when I have no flipping idea how you like your eggs for breakfast and we have had no conversations before, is an automatic no. It’s rude. Like farting in front of a fan in a room full of people rude. People glare at you, scrunch up their noses and cry out. Yes, asking people to buy your book is the same as fart loudly and in public. It just isn’t proper manners.
‘Hi , can you be my bookstagram friend I love reading N writing’
Na. I’m cool, my Mum’s my friend.
Don’t ask. Start a conversation like a human and not like a weird terminator robot sent back from the future in search of Sarah Connor. Also, if you actually followed me before sending this message I maybe… just maybe would have replied or even looked at your profile. But BOOM. Nope. Sunk the battle ship that was carrying your only chance of being my friend. If you listen closely you can hear them calling your name from the depths of the ocean… “Jack, come back Jack.”
‘you can follow me…. I post book photo’
I post book photo too.
High –five like Borat.
Actually no high-fives.
Let me break down my two reasons for following accounts. A) I like your content. What can I say, I’m like a magpie and pretty posts are shining things. B) if you bother to start a conversation with me and we chat a fair amount then I will follow you.
Just to clarify sending me a message saying “hey” and nothing else does not count as an effort of being my friend. That shit is liking seeing your ex in public. Bad and just fucking awkward.
Alright let’s break this down like the pie scene from American Pie. Smash, Smooch and Thrust.
We do not want your sympathy DM’s!! They are actually kinda rude in some cases and you need to grow up and realise that you cannot demand things for free in life. Trust me, I demand free books every time I go into Dymocks and the only thing that I get is two cute, buff guys escorting me from the store. Maybe I just go in there to get touched by these two cuties, or maybe that doesn’t happen at all because I’m a fucking adult and I know you ain’t gonna get shit for free. These non free items range from books to friendships and even Instagram likes and follows.
You want free books – go to the library and check them out.
You want more followers and likes on Instagram – be more engaging. Post more photos. Comment on peoples photos. And cross my little black heart, I promise if you message me and ask me how to get more engagement on Instagram, I will be happy to help. Not that I am any expert by any means, I just make shit up as I go butnjust make sure you start the message nicely… like “heyyyyy girllll’ and then I will respond. Just never ask for a follower or spam on your account. It ain’t gonna bloody happen, I have too many books to read instead of wasting my time like that on someone that doesn’t even say hi. Side note though, I do give shout outs to nice, polite little accounts that have manners.
Key note of the day. Don’t be a dick. Be fucking polite okay? Slide into DM’s with some dignity and mother fucking manners.
Blue xxx
The thoughts in this rant are my thoughts and my thoughts alone. These messages I have received are by real accounts. If you sent one of these messages and are offend, please scroll back up the top and start reading, cause you might have missed the fucking point. If these messages are not about you and you are offend, I actually don’t care. Welcome to the real world where your mumma ain’t going to sing you a lullaby every night. The world is harsh, the world is cruel and you need to get outta your soft little sad bubble and realise this. If you have a thought you want to want me to rant about feel free to email me at bluefairytales@gmail.com if you want to email a complaint email it to growthefuckup@youidiot.com please for the love of melted cheese on pizza don’t get those two emails confused.