I kid you not. They are out there! In the wild! And just as annoying as that stupid baby shark song, just not as catchy.

The following is what has actually happened to a fellow bookstagrammer who just filled me in on the story. So me being me and how I love to share rants more than Gretchen Wieners likes to keep secrets in her hair, I figured why not share this recently occurred incident.

So we all know that bookstagram scrooges love to promote themselves, never reply to comments and are after all the freebies the book world can provide. Can an author be similar?

The answer book lovers, is yes.

Now, I love me some aussie authors. Actually I love me some indie authors anyway, I collect them like little kitten paws in a basket. My favourite part about bookstagram is supporting authors. This evidence is clear on my feed, in my stories and well everywhere I can shove it in your face like a surprise birthday cake. But there are the author scrooges that literally think their shit is amazing, when realistically, it’s the dino turd on the side of the river with a satellite phone ringing from the deep of the stench and dino doodoos. (that, my friends is a reference to Jurassic Park 3 and if you haven’t seen it, well guess that joke went right over your head)

So the situation is, a local aussie author who has a fairly biggish account has a new book out. Which would be exciting but realistically not really. Now if this cute little pumpkin of a friend had have told me that she was going to purchase this ‘authors’ book, I would have told her not too. And that money would have been better spent buying eggs to throw at teenagers and yell “back in my day!” But this cute little pumpkin is a supporter of this book as she had been previously been a supporter of the authors other side projects. But low and behold, things took a turn for the worst, a one way trip to Beetlejuice’s waiting room.

My little pumpkin messages the author and they agreed that said pumpkin would pay money and said author would sign and send out the book. An agreement that took place, like once upon a time. An email notification went out at the start of April saying the book is in pre-transit and here is the order number. Weeks have passed but while the author is spending the cash the pumpkin had sent, this pumpkin had no book. And all pumpkins deserve books, like those cute little orange balls turn into fucking carriages and carry around princess to be, before midnight, they deserve some quality book time people!!

May rolls around and we celebrate May the Forth be with you and life seems normal right. Expect this cute little sad pumpkin STILL HASN’T gotten her book. And I mean the distance between the author and the pumpkin is a 6 hour car ride. 6 hours in the car but the book can’t make it to the pumpkin in a month!! Lucky the pumpkin has been carrying around little salad munching tight, tiny and gem stone covered princess in the meantime to keep herself busy… SO at the start of May an email is sent to the author letting her know that the book has not arrived

And wait for it, just like the dinosaurs waited for the meteor KABOOOM!!!!! The author replies at the start of June. A month later!!! And pretty much says oh, that’s weird. No, whats weird is you want to be an author. You talk about how you are an author all the time. You don’t introduce yourself by name, rather as an ‘author’ and you think that the book not being sent is weird??? YOU SOLD IT ON ETSY! For those that don’t know. Etsy emails you when an order has come in, reminds you to post it and mark that it is posted. But the fact that it wasn’t received was the weird part?? YOU DIDN’T EVEN SEND THE BOOK you dirt sniffer!!!

Fast forward to today when the pumpkin sweetly replies and says that is still saying it is in pre-transit but not sure why? And the author then..

 

 

…wait…

 

….trust me

 

…you will want to sit down for this!

 

The author then tells the pumpkin that she will be issuing a refund and that she should just purchase an unsigned book through Amazon, because the said author doesn’t want to pay for shipping….

… and she hopes that doesn’t ‘discourage her from one day reading her work.’

 

I told y’all to sit down for it.

After that comment I would be more excited about going to a basketball game then reading her book. Literally sport can suck it, I live the sloth lifestyle. And basically after that comment her book is less interesting than any sporting event.

 

This is as fucked up as decaf coffee. And I mean that because I really hate decaf coffee! Decaf is just a nice way to say, flavourless possum poo in cup. Death before Decaf. Eating possum poo before buying this authors book.

I get the struggle of being a self-published author, I really do. You have to advertise your book, you have to encourage others to buy and review that book and all this really comes out of your own money. But that fried salty doormat just took the cute pumpkin for a ride. All chew and no flavorrr!

But does the struggle excuse this kind of behaviour? I doubt a single one of us would ever calmly respond to a business like this. If book depository apparently ‘sent’ you a book (cough but didn’t) you would be all up in the grill like 50 cent in a damn candy shop. “Is there a manager round here? I need to speak to the manager! Where is my damn book!”

This inexcusable delay is utter disgusting. You can post your book out to a paying customer but you can post selfies on bookstagram and constantly talk about your new book and how proud you are about it finally being realised. Mather Stuart would be ashamed, and would totally poison your pancakes, cause she is gansta like that! This isn’t an author being tired up being sick or on holiday, so she is unable to send you the book you purchased. This is an author who is sooo damn lazy that she makes sloths look like Olympic athletes. Can y’all imagine who cute it would be to watch a sloth carrying around a little gold medal for sleeping all day, would be though. Honestly sloths man, their cuteness kills me.

Mentioned it before and I’ll say it again, I’m not a fan of this author. Before she published her own book, she spent most of the time on bookstagram sending out invitations to her own pity party which was held annually every damn day of the week. So I unfollowed and saw the light like Christmas morning. I gave myself the present of not listening to the broken record that was on an annoying constant loop like the ‘It’s a small world’ ride at Disneyland. Nobody is queuing up for that, it ain’t no Thunder Mountain.

If you are a struggling author can you please treat paying customer like actual paying customers. And the same goes to book loving customers, treat the author like you would a business. If money is exchanged for a book, then a book better be exchanged for money. This isn’t no charity. This is a straight up business transaction. And if I had this response when I purchased a book, you can guarantee that I would be posting the screenshots as proof and calling this author out on this uncooked chicken of a disaster. But I’d rather not expose the pumpkin, I’d rather wait and keep her to Halloween and BOOM, jack-o-lantern!

 

So my question is… does this so called author actually want to be an author? Or are they only in it for the praise? Cause if they are all about the praise without the hard work, then they are not only putting themselves behind, they are letting the fans down.

This is just one example of how an author can scrooge you…

Here have some free examples:

 

Did you want to buy my book and review it?

Listen, that’s a no. I’d rather pluck my eyebrows then have to buy and review your book. And even if you wanted to send it to me for free now, I wouldn’t even wipe my ass with it now. You had your chance and ya blew it, it’s an painful as watching Britney Spears trying to mime her own live show.

 

Have you read my book yet?

Jesus take the wheel, you sent it to me yesterday. No I haven’t read it in 24 hours, I have more important things to do, like survive in this cruel world. In the last 24 hours I had to pretend I knew what I am actually meant to be doing at my job, so I can do more than drink coffee and occasionally nod when people ask me a question. I slept, because I ain’t a fricken robot. So that left about 4 hours of time, in while I had to bloody adult okay. Stop pressuring me MUM!

Honestly, never hassle a reviewer unless they haven’t read it four months down the track. We do have lives, or attempt at having lives. Dressing up as a clown and chasing the neighbours around the streets with a chainsaw counts as having a life right? Legit have done this. It was hilarious!

 

Your review wasn’t very nice, I want you to take it down.

BAHAHA nope. If I had to sit through the hell of what you called a book, I will publish my honest opinion about this book and give the general public a service announcement. Your book literally tried to kill me with boredom. There was no warning labels. No spell check and the holes in your plot where bigger than the pores on my face. I ain’t taking it down. I ain’t apologising. THERE IS NOTHING WRONG WITH AN HONEST REVIEW, does no body get how this shit works? You hate a book you can say that, as long as the author isn’t attacked or tagged, it ain’t a problem.

I don’t understand why authors get angry about negative reviews. If there is one or two, shrug it off. That happens, not everyone is gonna like your book. If there is a lot of negative reviews and they all seem to be saying the same thing, take it as a sign you need to work on your craft. *eats a mouthful of popcorn* Just say’n

 

Author scrooges are rare, like finding a $50 note in a jacket pocket. Sometimes you just get lucky in all the wrong ways, like waking up the next morning after a wild night out to a snoring stranger in your room. Cool you found an author, but how the holy saint Mary of fried cheese do you get it out of your life.

 

So children what did we learn today?

Stand up for yourself and your purchases.

Don’t let the scrooges win.

If you crop dust someone, wait until they have already walked through it before you laugh. Otherwise that’s a chance wasted.

Review honestly!

Blue really wants some cheese.

Beware of the scrooges!

 

 

That’s it from me.

Well for now anyway.

You can never shut me up.

*evil laugh*

 

 

Love Blue xx

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

I really hate writing this disclaimer but damn there are some real cry-babies out there. And not like the fun Johnny Depp Crybaby, just the boring kind that feel like they are self-entitled. Obviously, these thoughts are my own thoughts, and in no way, shape or form are a personal attack on anyone. If I needed to personally attack you, I would tag you in it. I have less shame then a fat kid at an all you can buffet. If you feel personally attacked by what I said, I guess you can tell your mum…? Just don’t tell me, I ain’t got time to listen. If you want to contact me with a rant idea or if you have a person story like the pumpkin you want out in the wild, I would be happy to share. And yes I drink coffee instead of using spell check… I like a little mystery in my life